i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
