There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
