i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
