the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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