wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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