six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
