why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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