i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
