I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
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