someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
