Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
