Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
