we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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