please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
