It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
