I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
