I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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