Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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