the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
