I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
