I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
