I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
