Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
