You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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