So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
