the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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