Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
FUCK WHALES
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
