I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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