even my farts smell like vagina
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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