my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
It's never too late to be topless.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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