If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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