I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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