Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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