smell my finger.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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