btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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