Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
