I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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