just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
