you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Randomize
