My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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