You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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