I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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