I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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