Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
