I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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