M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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