Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
