I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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