someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Randomize
