girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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