It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
