My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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