Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
